Let's Watch The Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer

I guess I should start by mention that I've never read the books, all I know is that they are porn for people my mother's age and based off of twilight. Whatever, I don't care let's skip to the trailer and my observations about it.

Well it is what it is. I can see the twilight influence definitely and it's pretty much what you would expect. We have Bellanastasia and Edward/Christian.  Blah blah blah they get toghether and Christian shows her his S&M room. This movies seems to be exactly what I expected it to be. It's a se  lf-insert sort of fantasy where you become Anastasia. It looks like it will give fans what they want, even though there are some bitching about casting,  and I'll be interested to see how well it does. As for seeing it myself? Probably not. I'm not too terribly interestd in the world of S&M  or badly written romances.

Lauren Ask's a Comic Book Nerd: The Flash

Superheros are back. They are in the movies and on tv. Superheros are fine by me. I liked Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and meant to watch that arrow show on the cw but never got around to it. 

Now we have the Flash. From the trailer I'd watch it, I mean it's better than whatever Kim Kardashian is doing.  The trailer is good lots of explosions and such. Comic book lovers are dancing for joy right now finally their comic books have come to television. I just like seeing assholes getting put through windshields but I figured I should at least ask someone who actually follows superhero comics.  So I got his thoughts on the trailer.

I Hope You're Happy Poke-bank.

Congratulations everybody my sister wants me to write about this... this... thing. This is Avril Lavigne's "Hello Kitty" about... um... Well if you can figure it out then good for you it means that you're much more patient than I am. However I can sure as hell tell you there is no link to Hello Kitty, a beloved part of my childhood. I can make out maybe six words in this song the rest is wapanese or too screechy to decipher. What I got is that Avril is a secret fat kid who stole smarties and somebody threw a cupcake at her. Being this way she has no friends and thus begs her pet cat not to ever leave her. We all know the feeling. However if you were really expecting anything different from Avril then you are either an idiot or a snob. Sure this song fills your ears with the pleasant sounds comparable to two goats having sex in a dumpster, but is it really anything surprising for this singer? You get what you pay for people.

Besides I doubt Avril Lavigne much cares because this goat orgy is going to earn her another million. More interesting about this video are the allegations of racism. 

Yeah it seems that Avril's little Asian props that dance halfheartedly in the background have offended some civil rights pansies; the ones who are watching this crap instead of dealing with real civil rights problems. I can see how overly sensitive person might be offended by this masterpiece, but I don't think Avril Lavigne's intent was to be racist. It seems that she actually really likes Japan (like lots of Americans and Canadians too I guess since that's what Avril is. Sorry Canada we aren't claiming responsibility for this...) and in her enthusiasm for it she way overdid it. Watch the video on mute and play some Vivaldi in the background and it's sort of amusing in a can't-look-away-from-the-catastrophe way. You can even get some well timed awkward screenies of Avril here.

Now for a gift to Poke-Bank this is Avril and her now husband Nickleback singing a song together. I thought I'd do you a favor. I will say that it's better than Hello Kitty.  

Now I can get back to what I truly love. Making fun of the questionable fashion choices of TV law enforcement and medical personnel. The ladies run around in these adorable heeled boots and the gentlemen sport a lovely array of skinny jeans.  Doesn't seem to hinder them in chasing down rapists though. 

Exploitation TV: Why the Hell Does it Exist and Where is the Edge?

This is it. The show that finally did it. Sex Box, a TV show that only could have been produced by the filthy hivemind that is Great Britain. Linked above is news clip about it. Even better according to this article it is coming to my own equally filthy minded country of America. Sex Box is exactly what it sounds like a couple hops in a giant opaque box and screw. Due to the current pornography laws and the opinions of decent minded human beings you don't actually see anything. However no worries as soon as the dirty deed is done the couple hops out and discusses the whole processes in marvelous detail with a panel of 'sex experts'. Has it gone over the edge? Hell yes. Would I watch it? Erm... no... definately no way not even late at night noway... I didn't even watch the maybe pirated episode that shows up at the top of the YouTube search for 'Sex Box'.  I certainly did not laugh at it and certainly didn't feel like a dirty freak afterwards when I finally went to bed. However some people aren't as strong willed as I and there certainly seems to be market for this kind of trash tv. So join me on a blast to the past and present to look back at our history of filthy exploitative television.

Trash TV is nothing new, it's probably been around in some shape or form ever since the invention of broadcast. However one of earliest shows like this I've insomnia watched at least is good old Jerry Springer. This show has been around since the year before I was born and still graces American television sets today. It spawned a slew of other similar shows most famously Maury. You've probably watched it and it's pretty much always the same. Jerry Springer dives into the hellish depths of white trash and ghetto trailer park America and brings it too us. Tons of people have willingly confessed to affairs, sex change operations, and heinous racism of Jerry Springer for years. There is some debate about whether all these people are in fact real or paid actors but it seems that at least some of them are in fact real people. For instance back in 2000 a man who appeared on the show was actually sought out for killing his ex-wife. There probably is some validity to the paid actor claims but that guy almost certainly wasn't one of them, I mean homicide is bit much to ask of someone just for trash tv. While religious leaders and that yapping dog that is the Parents Television Council has been trying to cancel Jerry forever it's not gonna happen. We all know that this is abysmal television, yet there is something funny about watching an obvious transvestite having a cake thrown in their face after coming out to a gullible boyfriend they've been lying to for months.  There is just something appealing about watching somebody else make an ass of themselves on TV. I personally feel that most of these people ought to know what their in for when they sign up for this type of thing, and I don't honestly feel that guilty about watching it occasionally. However there is only so much trailer park nutiness you can take before you just have to turn that damn thing off or risk becoming one of these degenerates.

Celebrity Rehab, Sex Rehab, Sober House, and every other sack of shit featuring the intolerable specimen that is Dr. Drew. While Jerry Springer and Maury are sort of funny to me these shows legitimately infuriate me. It might the obnoxious shit eating demeanor of said 'doctor' or that these shows actually claim to be helping people. Rehab, substance abuse, and mental illness are serious issues and having a camera crew up these people's asses while they're allegedly trying to get better is wildly inappropriate. Having a hack job Dr. Phil level psychiatrist tending to them is even worse. Add in the numerous drug related deaths of contestants on the show and it becomes completely unbearable. Besides you and I both know that the audience for this show doesn't actually care if these people get better or not they watch it for the delicious train wreck-y drama; the sordid confessions of washed up hasbeens and the juicy fights between housemates. There is funny and then there is just disgusting and to me Celebrity Rehab and it's siblings are the latter. Thankfully it seems other people agreed and these shows are now gone. There was talk of doing a reboot but Dr. Drew dropped that idea after the shitstorm of criticism he received after the suicide of Mindy McCready, the fifth person featured on the show to die.  Now he lurks in the sewers of HLN where he has his own show. He also has gig for MTV hosting the reunion shows for "16 and Pregnant" and "Teen Mom".  He sometimes appears as a guest for the equally exploitative 'victim's rights advocate' known as Nancy Grace and other HLN cronies. I'll talk about Nancy one day but not now. She's awful but not quite the same level. 

 

Couple's Therapy and Marriage Boot Camp. In the same arena as the Dr. Drew shows are these marriage counseling shows they also claim to help and also rarely produce results. I don't particularly like these two either but unlike Celebrity Rehab I can accept their existence. There haven't been any deaths linked to them and most of couple's who show up were already doomed to failure long before. 

Last season of Couple's Therapy got a bit more media buzz than usual because it featured notorious Teen Mom turned anal porn star, and terrifying example of bad plastic surgery, Farrah Abraham. Showing that this show is more about drama than couples or therapy Farrah appeared solo and despite rampant rumors (probably true) that she had spent the past year trying to hire a boyfriend to appear with her. For the few of you that don't know Farrah is one of the former stars of Teen Mom. She was never especially popular with viewers of the show though because of her spoiled brat personality and horribly irritating baby whine voice. She wrote a poorly edited book a few years back where she trashes her deceased baby daddy and basically everyone else whose supported her all these years. She's been desperately trying to stay in the limelight since Teen Mom was cancelled. Boy did she deliver though, Farrah's bizarre and irritating antics were to bread and butter of tabloid rags throughout the show's whole run. Since Farrah appeared solo the show focused mostly on her previous failed relationships and her rocky standing with her parents. Farrah amusing brought the ratings in by fighting with her cast mates and trying to sell the old tired story that her professionally shot porno was leaked, never mind that it also features a well know male pornstar as her anal lover. They even wanted to invite her fake boyfriend on the show, the one she attempted to hire, but wisely he declined.

She even outdid and old tabloid favorite, Jon Gosselin, who is famous for spawning eight children, selling their childhood to the camera, and then nastily divorcing his equally horrid wife. Jon tried his darndest though even having a pansy meltdown about how evil his ex-wife is all for the eager digestion of the VH1 cameras. Still despite his best efforts he barely garnered a mention. 

Marriage Boot Camp is basically the same thing. I haven't watched it yet but the trailer for the upcoming season pretty much confirms my theory. It features a terrifying screechy woman from Braxton Family Values and Ryan and Trista aka the only couple to actually succeed from the Bachelor. I might tune in and write about but then again I might not bother.

Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant. These MTV shows follow the day-to-day lives of teenage parents and film it for our enjoyment. I already covered one episode of 16 and Pregnant and to be honest the others really aren't too much different from that one. The formula is generally the same a naive girl get's knocked up, fights with her baby daddy, and struggles to raise her spawn and go to school/get her GED. Every now and then to mix it up there will actually be a decent boyfriend featured or one of the girls will choose the give the child up for adoption. I can see where there might be some educational value in this show but all of that goes out the window with Teen Mom. For starters the show gives the cast a healthy paycheck taking away a good portion of the financial difficulties of being a teen parent. Later seasons of the show frequently featured one of the girls in the process of buying a nice house for themselves and their kid. While most adults have to wait until their late 20s or 30s to afford a house these girls are doing it at 18 and 20. There is also not much seen of actual parenting on this show you'll see the kids every now and again when MTV remembers this is supposed be a show about parenting but most of the time it's all about partying and fighting with the boyfriends. 

Most annoyingly Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2 have made D-List celebrities out two despicable human beings: Farrah Abraham and Jenelle Evans. If you ever visit a tabloid site you will see these two abhorrent characters in between articles covering Justin Bieber's meltdown and Tori Amos' failing marriage. 

I personally find Jenelle to be the slightly less horrid of the two but that's not saying much. Jenelle is famous for being a foul mouthed drug addict who actually lost custody of her son and has recently been mired legal problems resulting from her drug use and domestic violence with her equally terrible boyfriends. On the show she ignores her child in favor of her loser boyfriend of the moment and gets into sometimes violent scream fights with her mother, who is the legal guardian of her son at the moment. Jenelle is awful, but I think she has some excuses, besides struggling with drug use she suffers from bi-polar disorder and ever once in a million years she shows some sign of being an actual human being. Farrah has already been discussed above so we will move on.

VH1 Cesspit. What can be said? VH1 is the best place to find utter and complete garbage. I haven't really tuned in much lately but a few years back they had a bunch of really sleazy faux-celebrity dating shows: Reel Chance At Love, Double Shot of Love, Rock of Love, For the Love of Ray J etc. I'm sure there are probably a few current incarnations of these but like I said I haven't been watching. While looking for a video to put here I found this gem. The video can be found of YouTube but is shit quality to I just put up this screenshot instead. Delivering Jerry Springer-esque drama these shows were not at all about finding love. They were about a bunch of desperate ass women beating the hell out of each other. It's not really like the more successful challenge dating shows are actually about finding love but at least the Bachelor(ette) does a somewhat decent job of fooling gullible people into believing it. Though it seems like last season's bachelor didn't do such a good job of it. The sole purpose the VH1 versions was for a guy/girl to bang a whole bunch of attractive-ish people and hopefully not catch crabs in the process. We only watched it for the cat fights and hilarious broken English. This is the sort of thing VH1 lives off of though D-list music stars doing stupid and trashy things for the video. My favorite of these? I don't know it's a toss up between the douchebagger of Reel and Chance or the idiocy of Kim Kardashian's ex-fuckbuddy Ray J. I see it as idiots getting what they signed up for and don't see a major problem with it.

So that's about all I'm going to say about trash tv. We all know it's awful but some of us enjoy it anyways. In fact most people really don't care save for the overly religious and people who are concerned that their unsupervised children are watching it. What's your favorite sleazy reality show? Now watch the two of the Real Ex-Wives of Atlanta beat the shit out of each other.

Since The Show an Update on Autumn from 16 and Pregnant

Well what do you know, my first writing on this site and so far it's my most popular getting a ton of hits. But no comments as of yet :( boo. C'mon guys shoot me a comment even a criticism I promise I won't flip out on you. I just want to know what you people think of my writing? Anyways enough complaining about that and on to Autumn. As you know most of these episodes are filmed way in advance and a lot can change since the show. So with a little trolling around the internet I've decided to see how things seem to be going for this girl presently. 

I'm not going to recap the whole episode for you again because I've already done that and you can read it there. However let's give a brief rundown on where Autumn was when we last saw her. She was in a crappy position her baby daddy seemed to a loser and totally uninterested in their son. He provided absolutely nothing for the child and barely visited and even forced Autumn to file for child support. 

How are things going now? Well it seems they are going shockingly well. A look at Autum's official fan page, which you can visit here, show a totally different Dustin than the one we saw on her episode. What can I say way to go Dustin you proved me wrong after all. There are tons of pictures, which I won't post here since they aren't mine, of Dustin spending time with both Autumn and his son. It even seems that the two of them have gotten engaged. He's still sporting his scruffy unwashed pot head look but that's minor. I can't gather whether or not he still smokes pot but he at least seems to be taking some responsibility.

It also seems that there was a health scare for Autumn's son Drake. According to this article on Starcasm, Drake was recently hospitalized over Easter for a bubble in his intestines. However it seems that the problem has resolved itself and he is doing much better now. That's great, I'm not great fan of children but still I hate it when they're sick. All in all it seems that things have gotten much better for Autumn since her show hopefully it will last. Like I said she seemed like a nice girl overall.

24 Live Another Day : My Thoughts

I am excited for this.  As you know I go from reviewing ridiculous crap like Teen Mom to reviewing good shows like Game of Thrones. Anyways I thought I'd update you all on my plans.  I plan on reviewing 24 Live Another Day in my snarkastic style of course. I'm genuinely excited for this show. 24 was one of the best suspense shows on television. It had it's stupid moments and it probably could have toned down the torture scenes but it was well written and I never knew what was going to happen next. I know I'm sort of late to the game but here are my thoughts on the trailer, which you can watch courtesy of YouTube. 

The trailer is great it play suspense music and tells us that Jack Bauer is a dangerous man. As you recall from the series finale of 24 Jack got killed a couple of Russian diplomats and got put on Putin's shit list. First off we get the usual spiel about how Jack is a true American hero yada yada I don't care. Then it gets interesting we  are informed that Jack is in London at the same time as the President. The President happens to be James Heller the father of Jack's former love interest Audrey. We are informed that the plot will revolve around an assassination attempt on President Heller. 

We get a shot of Chloe O'Brian who is sporting the Lisbeth Salander look. It's fucking ridiculous and I hope that they drop it mid season. Jack tells Chloe that if an American President is assassinated on foreign soil we're looking at World War III. Then we get a couple of shots of Audrey Raines and her knew husband to let us know that there will be an annoying romantic subplot this season. Then we get brief little cliplets of protesters, a terrorist, Jack being tortured and the trailer ends with Jack saying: "There's no going back for me."

Overall I'm totally excited for this show and can't wait, why does it have to premiere in May I want my 24 right now. It looks like it's going to be fantastic and I'm excited to watch. 

True Tori: The Fairytale Falls Apart Recap

Oh Tori what can I say this show is probably a horrible idea. Reality shows kill marriages, just ask the Real Ex-Wives of Beverly Hills/Orange County/LA or wherever else their filming that stupid show. For those of you that don't know both Dean and Tori were married when they met each other. After cheating on their respective spouses and suffering the fallout in the tabloids they divorced the unwanted spouses and married. Then for awhile it was all rainbows and sunshine they had a reality show that I didn't watch where they were happy and produced four adorable blond clones. Then all of a sudden KABOOM! The rumor mill starts chugging and we learn that Dean and Tori are broke and that Dean had an affair. So now being in dire straights Tori and Dean have agreed to allow the collapse of their marriage to be filmed for a lifetime reality show.

The show begins with horror movie music the gloomy kind of stuff you hear when a beloved character has been axed to death and now we're on our way to his funeral. We get three little pop-ups on screen informing us of what I already told you in the last paragraph. While the suspense music plays Tori tells the cameras how she misses Dean. She is mobbed a bunch of asshole paparazzi. Then we cut to Tori's monologue where tearfully explains that her marriage is a disaster and that she's determined to fix it. The piano plays and the title card flashes across the scene. This is lifetime after all, you have to cater to the melodramatic middle aged women crowd. 

And finally the show seems to begin. For some reason the style of this thing reminds my of Intervention, that old A&E show about helping drug addicts. It has the same gloomy feel and also cuts to black to inform us of the grim details of Tori's life. We start out with a barefoot Tori sitting on a fancy leather couch giving an interview. Tori claims she wants the viewers to know the real her and not see her as the poor little rich girl. Then she addresses Dean's rumored affair, and acknowledges that it is true. Tori then goes on to bash the tabloids for getting her story wrong and she wants to give us her version.

Good let's get down to it. According to Tori she found out about her scumbag husband's affair through her publicist and jokingly asked him who he fucked in Toronto. Brilliant. It seems Dean brushed it off because it took another week and another phone call from the publicist saying that the girl had come forward and was going to give out all the details on her fancy two day pre-Christmas tumble with Dean in Toronto motel room behind his wife's back. Realizing that there might actually be something to this slut-bucket's store Tori says she confronted her husband outside their children's Christmas' recital, as you do. At first Dean denies the affair as most men do and tries to reassure Tori that he only cheats with her. He might have gotten away with it too but our sharp-eyed Tori noticed that his eyebrow was shaking. 

"Why is your god damn eyebrow shaking Dean?" 

is what I'd like to think she said to him. I take a minute to giggle into my 7-Up of all the signs that someone is lying I've never heard of the damned shaking eyebrow. Dean still denies the affair but Tori isn't having this shit. She say and I quote: "Well I've never seen your eyebrow shake before." She then tells him she knows that his hooker's name was Emily. Realizing he is defeated Dean sighs and acknowledges that yes there was an Emily. Still trying to save himself he claims they just kissed no sex, but the damage is done Tori is not an idiot and she knows that Dean fucked Emily. 

Realizing that he was screwed, Dean gave in and confessed the details of his weekend affair with Emily to his wife. Whatever these details were they were sufficient enough for Tori to put his balls in a vice and march into rehab for his sex addictions. Though of course they don't say it that way, the official version is that Dean he went voluntarily but we all know that's most definitely not true. I like to think that Tori, filled with righteous indignation, grabbed her cheating loser husband by his shriveled testicles and marched his ass straight into rehab screaming all the way: "You're going to do this! Or I'm divorcing you and taking the kids and all your money!"

Tori assures us that she believes that shutting her pervert husband away in rehab was the best decision and she went on to take care of the children... at least when the nannies are sick.

We then cut to a scene where Tori is struggling with her children. They are all between the ages of 2 and maybe 7, what I like to call the screeching years. Tori complains that when Dean was around it was much easier to manager her kids but now she has to do it all alone. Somehow against all odds she gets all four of the blond clones dressed and safely stuffed away into her SUV ready to be shipped away to school. 

As they are driving along one the two toddlers gets car sick and throws up on her brother's iPad. I feel for the little girl having horrible motion sickness myself, but more importantly what fucking kid has an iPad! God dammit when I was Liam's age I had to share a gameboy with my sister. No wonder these people are in debt they bought their 7-year-old an iPad. Liam is understandably devastated by the damaged his pukey little sister has done to his iPad and while Tori is trying clean the little girl up, Liam whines for his mother save his iPad. It's good to see the famous or not all siblings fucking hate each other. 

Despite the baby puke and ruined iPad Tori manages to drop her two older kids off at school and bring the two younger ones home to take a nap. Which gives her time for a scripted gossip session with her gay best friend Mehran. Mehran, I have never heard that name before and I have no idea how you would pronounce it. Tori unburdens her problems to Mehran and what can I say. Mehran seems to be a genuinely nice guy, he is supportive of her and reassures her that Dean's sexploits are not her fault. It's too bad Mehran is gay because he seems like a helluva better husband than Dean.

After having her heart-to-heart with Mehran, Tori meets up with two of her other friends, Jess and Kate, at a fabric store and we get their opinions on the situation. Kate sees dean for the cheating bastard that he is and wants Tori to move on while Jess seems to be more supportive of her trying to make the marriage work. While they are goofing around with fabric Tori gets a text from Dean 

The censored bit is apparently a person's name and not a curse word. Though for hilarity I like to think it's saying: "I'm having a really hard time even looking at cock." But all immaturity aside this text upsets Tori and her friends and they don't know who censored is. This does not bode well for the future of Tori's marriage.

Regardless of whoever this person is Tori decides she has go on with her life and she picks up her two oldest kids to get a pedicure. 

Next stop is a visit to Mehran to discuss the text. Apparently it was a text to another person that she accidentally got, sucks when that happens eh? Then we get a humorous interlude where two of Tori's horny dogs start humping each other in the kitchen. Gotta love your pets. 

Tori tries to call Dean so he can talk to there kids but the phone gets disconnected and when she calls back he doesn't pick up. Such a wonderful father. I just sit here being grateful that at least when I called my father he would pick up the fucking phone and talk to me. 

After all this boring fluffy crap we are finally there to the part I wanted to see. Tori, with asshole paparazzi at her heels manages to sneak away into Dean's rehab center for a visit. The facility and the doctors wisely choose the don't want be involved with this travesty so their faces and logo are all blurred out. Suspense music plays and series of black screens flash across explaining the myriad of problems afflicting Tori's beloved. The most interesting of which is Dean's alter-ego, whom he dubs 'Deano'. As the cherry cola spouts from my nose and I choke on my own laughter I feel a slight pain of guilt that I'm so much amusement from this poor mans psychological problems. Mental health issues are not a joke but dammit couldn't you give your alter ego a better name than 'Deano'. I mean Christ I'd call mine something badass like Nutcracker or Ball Chopper. 

Dean describes his 'Deano' as a mover shaker douchebag which makes me smile. Tori admits that she's seen Dean's Deano-like behavior before. Dean pledges that he'll get better for Tori, Deano, and their family. Tori tells him she's heard this song and dance before. 

Dean then says that he's sorry, and tries to make her believe he's being genuine. Tori isn't sure she buys it. Dean then takes Tori on a tour of his rehab digs and makes sure she notices that he put up pictures of their children to guilt her into taking him back. Dean then pleads to come home but Tori stands her ground and lets him know she's done with his bullshit. Tori leaves without having accomplishing much anything. Tori goes home and discusses Dean's proposal with her friends. They agree that it's not right for Dean to come back. 

The show ends with Tori in tears wondering if she can make it work with her loser husband. It's sad and really shouldn't be something filmed for reality tv.