Let's Watch The Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer

I guess I should start by mention that I've never read the books, all I know is that they are porn for people my mother's age and based off of twilight. Whatever, I don't care let's skip to the trailer and my observations about it.

Well it is what it is. I can see the twilight influence definitely and it's pretty much what you would expect. We have Bellanastasia and Edward/Christian.  Blah blah blah they get toghether and Christian shows her his S&M room. This movies seems to be exactly what I expected it to be. It's a se  lf-insert sort of fantasy where you become Anastasia. It looks like it will give fans what they want, even though there are some bitching about casting,  and I'll be interested to see how well it does. As for seeing it myself? Probably not. I'm not too terribly interestd in the world of S&M  or badly written romances.

Lauren Ask's a Comic Book Nerd: The Flash

Superheros are back. They are in the movies and on tv. Superheros are fine by me. I liked Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and meant to watch that arrow show on the cw but never got around to it. 

Now we have the Flash. From the trailer I'd watch it, I mean it's better than whatever Kim Kardashian is doing.  The trailer is good lots of explosions and such. Comic book lovers are dancing for joy right now finally their comic books have come to television. I just like seeing assholes getting put through windshields but I figured I should at least ask someone who actually follows superhero comics.  So I got his thoughts on the trailer.

I Hope You're Happy Poke-bank.

Congratulations everybody my sister wants me to write about this... this... thing. This is Avril Lavigne's "Hello Kitty" about... um... Well if you can figure it out then good for you it means that you're much more patient than I am. However I can sure as hell tell you there is no link to Hello Kitty, a beloved part of my childhood. I can make out maybe six words in this song the rest is wapanese or too screechy to decipher. What I got is that Avril is a secret fat kid who stole smarties and somebody threw a cupcake at her. Being this way she has no friends and thus begs her pet cat not to ever leave her. We all know the feeling. However if you were really expecting anything different from Avril then you are either an idiot or a snob. Sure this song fills your ears with the pleasant sounds comparable to two goats having sex in a dumpster, but is it really anything surprising for this singer? You get what you pay for people.

Besides I doubt Avril Lavigne much cares because this goat orgy is going to earn her another million. More interesting about this video are the allegations of racism. 

Yeah it seems that Avril's little Asian props that dance halfheartedly in the background have offended some civil rights pansies; the ones who are watching this crap instead of dealing with real civil rights problems. I can see how overly sensitive person might be offended by this masterpiece, but I don't think Avril Lavigne's intent was to be racist. It seems that she actually really likes Japan (like lots of Americans and Canadians too I guess since that's what Avril is. Sorry Canada we aren't claiming responsibility for this...) and in her enthusiasm for it she way overdid it. Watch the video on mute and play some Vivaldi in the background and it's sort of amusing in a can't-look-away-from-the-catastrophe way. You can even get some well timed awkward screenies of Avril here.

Now for a gift to Poke-Bank this is Avril and her now husband Nickleback singing a song together. I thought I'd do you a favor. I will say that it's better than Hello Kitty.  

Now I can get back to what I truly love. Making fun of the questionable fashion choices of TV law enforcement and medical personnel. The ladies run around in these adorable heeled boots and the gentlemen sport a lovely array of skinny jeans.  Doesn't seem to hinder them in chasing down rapists though. 

Exploitation TV: Why the Hell Does it Exist and Where is the Edge?

This is it. The show that finally did it. Sex Box, a TV show that only could have been produced by the filthy hivemind that is Great Britain. Linked above is news clip about it. Even better according to this article it is coming to my own equally filthy minded country of America. Sex Box is exactly what it sounds like a couple hops in a giant opaque box and screw. Due to the current pornography laws and the opinions of decent minded human beings you don't actually see anything. However no worries as soon as the dirty deed is done the couple hops out and discusses the whole processes in marvelous detail with a panel of 'sex experts'. Has it gone over the edge? Hell yes. Would I watch it? Erm... no... definately no way not even late at night noway... I didn't even watch the maybe pirated episode that shows up at the top of the YouTube search for 'Sex Box'.  I certainly did not laugh at it and certainly didn't feel like a dirty freak afterwards when I finally went to bed. However some people aren't as strong willed as I and there certainly seems to be market for this kind of trash tv. So join me on a blast to the past and present to look back at our history of filthy exploitative television.

Trash TV is nothing new, it's probably been around in some shape or form ever since the invention of broadcast. However one of earliest shows like this I've insomnia watched at least is good old Jerry Springer. This show has been around since the year before I was born and still graces American television sets today. It spawned a slew of other similar shows most famously Maury. You've probably watched it and it's pretty much always the same. Jerry Springer dives into the hellish depths of white trash and ghetto trailer park America and brings it too us. Tons of people have willingly confessed to affairs, sex change operations, and heinous racism of Jerry Springer for years. There is some debate about whether all these people are in fact real or paid actors but it seems that at least some of them are in fact real people. For instance back in 2000 a man who appeared on the show was actually sought out for killing his ex-wife. There probably is some validity to the paid actor claims but that guy almost certainly wasn't one of them, I mean homicide is bit much to ask of someone just for trash tv. While religious leaders and that yapping dog that is the Parents Television Council has been trying to cancel Jerry forever it's not gonna happen. We all know that this is abysmal television, yet there is something funny about watching an obvious transvestite having a cake thrown in their face after coming out to a gullible boyfriend they've been lying to for months.  There is just something appealing about watching somebody else make an ass of themselves on TV. I personally feel that most of these people ought to know what their in for when they sign up for this type of thing, and I don't honestly feel that guilty about watching it occasionally. However there is only so much trailer park nutiness you can take before you just have to turn that damn thing off or risk becoming one of these degenerates.

Celebrity Rehab, Sex Rehab, Sober House, and every other sack of shit featuring the intolerable specimen that is Dr. Drew. While Jerry Springer and Maury are sort of funny to me these shows legitimately infuriate me. It might the obnoxious shit eating demeanor of said 'doctor' or that these shows actually claim to be helping people. Rehab, substance abuse, and mental illness are serious issues and having a camera crew up these people's asses while they're allegedly trying to get better is wildly inappropriate. Having a hack job Dr. Phil level psychiatrist tending to them is even worse. Add in the numerous drug related deaths of contestants on the show and it becomes completely unbearable. Besides you and I both know that the audience for this show doesn't actually care if these people get better or not they watch it for the delicious train wreck-y drama; the sordid confessions of washed up hasbeens and the juicy fights between housemates. There is funny and then there is just disgusting and to me Celebrity Rehab and it's siblings are the latter. Thankfully it seems other people agreed and these shows are now gone. There was talk of doing a reboot but Dr. Drew dropped that idea after the shitstorm of criticism he received after the suicide of Mindy McCready, the fifth person featured on the show to die.  Now he lurks in the sewers of HLN where he has his own show. He also has gig for MTV hosting the reunion shows for "16 and Pregnant" and "Teen Mom".  He sometimes appears as a guest for the equally exploitative 'victim's rights advocate' known as Nancy Grace and other HLN cronies. I'll talk about Nancy one day but not now. She's awful but not quite the same level. 

 

Couple's Therapy and Marriage Boot Camp. In the same arena as the Dr. Drew shows are these marriage counseling shows they also claim to help and also rarely produce results. I don't particularly like these two either but unlike Celebrity Rehab I can accept their existence. There haven't been any deaths linked to them and most of couple's who show up were already doomed to failure long before. 

Last season of Couple's Therapy got a bit more media buzz than usual because it featured notorious Teen Mom turned anal porn star, and terrifying example of bad plastic surgery, Farrah Abraham. Showing that this show is more about drama than couples or therapy Farrah appeared solo and despite rampant rumors (probably true) that she had spent the past year trying to hire a boyfriend to appear with her. For the few of you that don't know Farrah is one of the former stars of Teen Mom. She was never especially popular with viewers of the show though because of her spoiled brat personality and horribly irritating baby whine voice. She wrote a poorly edited book a few years back where she trashes her deceased baby daddy and basically everyone else whose supported her all these years. She's been desperately trying to stay in the limelight since Teen Mom was cancelled. Boy did she deliver though, Farrah's bizarre and irritating antics were to bread and butter of tabloid rags throughout the show's whole run. Since Farrah appeared solo the show focused mostly on her previous failed relationships and her rocky standing with her parents. Farrah amusing brought the ratings in by fighting with her cast mates and trying to sell the old tired story that her professionally shot porno was leaked, never mind that it also features a well know male pornstar as her anal lover. They even wanted to invite her fake boyfriend on the show, the one she attempted to hire, but wisely he declined.

She even outdid and old tabloid favorite, Jon Gosselin, who is famous for spawning eight children, selling their childhood to the camera, and then nastily divorcing his equally horrid wife. Jon tried his darndest though even having a pansy meltdown about how evil his ex-wife is all for the eager digestion of the VH1 cameras. Still despite his best efforts he barely garnered a mention. 

Marriage Boot Camp is basically the same thing. I haven't watched it yet but the trailer for the upcoming season pretty much confirms my theory. It features a terrifying screechy woman from Braxton Family Values and Ryan and Trista aka the only couple to actually succeed from the Bachelor. I might tune in and write about but then again I might not bother.

Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant. These MTV shows follow the day-to-day lives of teenage parents and film it for our enjoyment. I already covered one episode of 16 and Pregnant and to be honest the others really aren't too much different from that one. The formula is generally the same a naive girl get's knocked up, fights with her baby daddy, and struggles to raise her spawn and go to school/get her GED. Every now and then to mix it up there will actually be a decent boyfriend featured or one of the girls will choose the give the child up for adoption. I can see where there might be some educational value in this show but all of that goes out the window with Teen Mom. For starters the show gives the cast a healthy paycheck taking away a good portion of the financial difficulties of being a teen parent. Later seasons of the show frequently featured one of the girls in the process of buying a nice house for themselves and their kid. While most adults have to wait until their late 20s or 30s to afford a house these girls are doing it at 18 and 20. There is also not much seen of actual parenting on this show you'll see the kids every now and again when MTV remembers this is supposed be a show about parenting but most of the time it's all about partying and fighting with the boyfriends. 

Most annoyingly Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2 have made D-List celebrities out two despicable human beings: Farrah Abraham and Jenelle Evans. If you ever visit a tabloid site you will see these two abhorrent characters in between articles covering Justin Bieber's meltdown and Tori Amos' failing marriage. 

I personally find Jenelle to be the slightly less horrid of the two but that's not saying much. Jenelle is famous for being a foul mouthed drug addict who actually lost custody of her son and has recently been mired legal problems resulting from her drug use and domestic violence with her equally terrible boyfriends. On the show she ignores her child in favor of her loser boyfriend of the moment and gets into sometimes violent scream fights with her mother, who is the legal guardian of her son at the moment. Jenelle is awful, but I think she has some excuses, besides struggling with drug use she suffers from bi-polar disorder and ever once in a million years she shows some sign of being an actual human being. Farrah has already been discussed above so we will move on.

VH1 Cesspit. What can be said? VH1 is the best place to find utter and complete garbage. I haven't really tuned in much lately but a few years back they had a bunch of really sleazy faux-celebrity dating shows: Reel Chance At Love, Double Shot of Love, Rock of Love, For the Love of Ray J etc. I'm sure there are probably a few current incarnations of these but like I said I haven't been watching. While looking for a video to put here I found this gem. The video can be found of YouTube but is shit quality to I just put up this screenshot instead. Delivering Jerry Springer-esque drama these shows were not at all about finding love. They were about a bunch of desperate ass women beating the hell out of each other. It's not really like the more successful challenge dating shows are actually about finding love but at least the Bachelor(ette) does a somewhat decent job of fooling gullible people into believing it. Though it seems like last season's bachelor didn't do such a good job of it. The sole purpose the VH1 versions was for a guy/girl to bang a whole bunch of attractive-ish people and hopefully not catch crabs in the process. We only watched it for the cat fights and hilarious broken English. This is the sort of thing VH1 lives off of though D-list music stars doing stupid and trashy things for the video. My favorite of these? I don't know it's a toss up between the douchebagger of Reel and Chance or the idiocy of Kim Kardashian's ex-fuckbuddy Ray J. I see it as idiots getting what they signed up for and don't see a major problem with it.

So that's about all I'm going to say about trash tv. We all know it's awful but some of us enjoy it anyways. In fact most people really don't care save for the overly religious and people who are concerned that their unsupervised children are watching it. What's your favorite sleazy reality show? Now watch the two of the Real Ex-Wives of Atlanta beat the shit out of each other.

Since The Show an Update on Autumn from 16 and Pregnant

Well what do you know, my first writing on this site and so far it's my most popular getting a ton of hits. But no comments as of yet :( boo. C'mon guys shoot me a comment even a criticism I promise I won't flip out on you. I just want to know what you people think of my writing? Anyways enough complaining about that and on to Autumn. As you know most of these episodes are filmed way in advance and a lot can change since the show. So with a little trolling around the internet I've decided to see how things seem to be going for this girl presently. 

I'm not going to recap the whole episode for you again because I've already done that and you can read it there. However let's give a brief rundown on where Autumn was when we last saw her. She was in a crappy position her baby daddy seemed to a loser and totally uninterested in their son. He provided absolutely nothing for the child and barely visited and even forced Autumn to file for child support. 

How are things going now? Well it seems they are going shockingly well. A look at Autum's official fan page, which you can visit here, show a totally different Dustin than the one we saw on her episode. What can I say way to go Dustin you proved me wrong after all. There are tons of pictures, which I won't post here since they aren't mine, of Dustin spending time with both Autumn and his son. It even seems that the two of them have gotten engaged. He's still sporting his scruffy unwashed pot head look but that's minor. I can't gather whether or not he still smokes pot but he at least seems to be taking some responsibility.

It also seems that there was a health scare for Autumn's son Drake. According to this article on Starcasm, Drake was recently hospitalized over Easter for a bubble in his intestines. However it seems that the problem has resolved itself and he is doing much better now. That's great, I'm not great fan of children but still I hate it when they're sick. All in all it seems that things have gotten much better for Autumn since her show hopefully it will last. Like I said she seemed like a nice girl overall.

24 Live Another Day : My Thoughts

I am excited for this.  As you know I go from reviewing ridiculous crap like Teen Mom to reviewing good shows like Game of Thrones. Anyways I thought I'd update you all on my plans.  I plan on reviewing 24 Live Another Day in my snarkastic style of course. I'm genuinely excited for this show. 24 was one of the best suspense shows on television. It had it's stupid moments and it probably could have toned down the torture scenes but it was well written and I never knew what was going to happen next. I know I'm sort of late to the game but here are my thoughts on the trailer, which you can watch courtesy of YouTube. 

The trailer is great it play suspense music and tells us that Jack Bauer is a dangerous man. As you recall from the series finale of 24 Jack got killed a couple of Russian diplomats and got put on Putin's shit list. First off we get the usual spiel about how Jack is a true American hero yada yada I don't care. Then it gets interesting we  are informed that Jack is in London at the same time as the President. The President happens to be James Heller the father of Jack's former love interest Audrey. We are informed that the plot will revolve around an assassination attempt on President Heller. 

We get a shot of Chloe O'Brian who is sporting the Lisbeth Salander look. It's fucking ridiculous and I hope that they drop it mid season. Jack tells Chloe that if an American President is assassinated on foreign soil we're looking at World War III. Then we get a couple of shots of Audrey Raines and her knew husband to let us know that there will be an annoying romantic subplot this season. Then we get brief little cliplets of protesters, a terrorist, Jack being tortured and the trailer ends with Jack saying: "There's no going back for me."

Overall I'm totally excited for this show and can't wait, why does it have to premiere in May I want my 24 right now. It looks like it's going to be fantastic and I'm excited to watch. 

True Tori: The Fairytale Falls Apart Recap

Oh Tori what can I say this show is probably a horrible idea. Reality shows kill marriages, just ask the Real Ex-Wives of Beverly Hills/Orange County/LA or wherever else their filming that stupid show. For those of you that don't know both Dean and Tori were married when they met each other. After cheating on their respective spouses and suffering the fallout in the tabloids they divorced the unwanted spouses and married. Then for awhile it was all rainbows and sunshine they had a reality show that I didn't watch where they were happy and produced four adorable blond clones. Then all of a sudden KABOOM! The rumor mill starts chugging and we learn that Dean and Tori are broke and that Dean had an affair. So now being in dire straights Tori and Dean have agreed to allow the collapse of their marriage to be filmed for a lifetime reality show.

The show begins with horror movie music the gloomy kind of stuff you hear when a beloved character has been axed to death and now we're on our way to his funeral. We get three little pop-ups on screen informing us of what I already told you in the last paragraph. While the suspense music plays Tori tells the cameras how she misses Dean. She is mobbed a bunch of asshole paparazzi. Then we cut to Tori's monologue where tearfully explains that her marriage is a disaster and that she's determined to fix it. The piano plays and the title card flashes across the scene. This is lifetime after all, you have to cater to the melodramatic middle aged women crowd. 

And finally the show seems to begin. For some reason the style of this thing reminds my of Intervention, that old A&E show about helping drug addicts. It has the same gloomy feel and also cuts to black to inform us of the grim details of Tori's life. We start out with a barefoot Tori sitting on a fancy leather couch giving an interview. Tori claims she wants the viewers to know the real her and not see her as the poor little rich girl. Then she addresses Dean's rumored affair, and acknowledges that it is true. Tori then goes on to bash the tabloids for getting her story wrong and she wants to give us her version.

Good let's get down to it. According to Tori she found out about her scumbag husband's affair through her publicist and jokingly asked him who he fucked in Toronto. Brilliant. It seems Dean brushed it off because it took another week and another phone call from the publicist saying that the girl had come forward and was going to give out all the details on her fancy two day pre-Christmas tumble with Dean in Toronto motel room behind his wife's back. Realizing that there might actually be something to this slut-bucket's store Tori says she confronted her husband outside their children's Christmas' recital, as you do. At first Dean denies the affair as most men do and tries to reassure Tori that he only cheats with her. He might have gotten away with it too but our sharp-eyed Tori noticed that his eyebrow was shaking. 

"Why is your god damn eyebrow shaking Dean?" 

is what I'd like to think she said to him. I take a minute to giggle into my 7-Up of all the signs that someone is lying I've never heard of the damned shaking eyebrow. Dean still denies the affair but Tori isn't having this shit. She say and I quote: "Well I've never seen your eyebrow shake before." She then tells him she knows that his hooker's name was Emily. Realizing he is defeated Dean sighs and acknowledges that yes there was an Emily. Still trying to save himself he claims they just kissed no sex, but the damage is done Tori is not an idiot and she knows that Dean fucked Emily. 

Realizing that he was screwed, Dean gave in and confessed the details of his weekend affair with Emily to his wife. Whatever these details were they were sufficient enough for Tori to put his balls in a vice and march into rehab for his sex addictions. Though of course they don't say it that way, the official version is that Dean he went voluntarily but we all know that's most definitely not true. I like to think that Tori, filled with righteous indignation, grabbed her cheating loser husband by his shriveled testicles and marched his ass straight into rehab screaming all the way: "You're going to do this! Or I'm divorcing you and taking the kids and all your money!"

Tori assures us that she believes that shutting her pervert husband away in rehab was the best decision and she went on to take care of the children... at least when the nannies are sick.

We then cut to a scene where Tori is struggling with her children. They are all between the ages of 2 and maybe 7, what I like to call the screeching years. Tori complains that when Dean was around it was much easier to manager her kids but now she has to do it all alone. Somehow against all odds she gets all four of the blond clones dressed and safely stuffed away into her SUV ready to be shipped away to school. 

As they are driving along one the two toddlers gets car sick and throws up on her brother's iPad. I feel for the little girl having horrible motion sickness myself, but more importantly what fucking kid has an iPad! God dammit when I was Liam's age I had to share a gameboy with my sister. No wonder these people are in debt they bought their 7-year-old an iPad. Liam is understandably devastated by the damaged his pukey little sister has done to his iPad and while Tori is trying clean the little girl up, Liam whines for his mother save his iPad. It's good to see the famous or not all siblings fucking hate each other. 

Despite the baby puke and ruined iPad Tori manages to drop her two older kids off at school and bring the two younger ones home to take a nap. Which gives her time for a scripted gossip session with her gay best friend Mehran. Mehran, I have never heard that name before and I have no idea how you would pronounce it. Tori unburdens her problems to Mehran and what can I say. Mehran seems to be a genuinely nice guy, he is supportive of her and reassures her that Dean's sexploits are not her fault. It's too bad Mehran is gay because he seems like a helluva better husband than Dean.

After having her heart-to-heart with Mehran, Tori meets up with two of her other friends, Jess and Kate, at a fabric store and we get their opinions on the situation. Kate sees dean for the cheating bastard that he is and wants Tori to move on while Jess seems to be more supportive of her trying to make the marriage work. While they are goofing around with fabric Tori gets a text from Dean 

The censored bit is apparently a person's name and not a curse word. Though for hilarity I like to think it's saying: "I'm having a really hard time even looking at cock." But all immaturity aside this text upsets Tori and her friends and they don't know who censored is. This does not bode well for the future of Tori's marriage.

Regardless of whoever this person is Tori decides she has go on with her life and she picks up her two oldest kids to get a pedicure. 

Next stop is a visit to Mehran to discuss the text. Apparently it was a text to another person that she accidentally got, sucks when that happens eh? Then we get a humorous interlude where two of Tori's horny dogs start humping each other in the kitchen. Gotta love your pets. 

Tori tries to call Dean so he can talk to there kids but the phone gets disconnected and when she calls back he doesn't pick up. Such a wonderful father. I just sit here being grateful that at least when I called my father he would pick up the fucking phone and talk to me. 

After all this boring fluffy crap we are finally there to the part I wanted to see. Tori, with asshole paparazzi at her heels manages to sneak away into Dean's rehab center for a visit. The facility and the doctors wisely choose the don't want be involved with this travesty so their faces and logo are all blurred out. Suspense music plays and series of black screens flash across explaining the myriad of problems afflicting Tori's beloved. The most interesting of which is Dean's alter-ego, whom he dubs 'Deano'. As the cherry cola spouts from my nose and I choke on my own laughter I feel a slight pain of guilt that I'm so much amusement from this poor mans psychological problems. Mental health issues are not a joke but dammit couldn't you give your alter ego a better name than 'Deano'. I mean Christ I'd call mine something badass like Nutcracker or Ball Chopper. 

Dean describes his 'Deano' as a mover shaker douchebag which makes me smile. Tori admits that she's seen Dean's Deano-like behavior before. Dean pledges that he'll get better for Tori, Deano, and their family. Tori tells him she's heard this song and dance before. 

Dean then says that he's sorry, and tries to make her believe he's being genuine. Tori isn't sure she buys it. Dean then takes Tori on a tour of his rehab digs and makes sure she notices that he put up pictures of their children to guilt her into taking him back. Dean then pleads to come home but Tori stands her ground and lets him know she's done with his bullshit. Tori leaves without having accomplishing much anything. Tori goes home and discusses Dean's proposal with her friends. They agree that it's not right for Dean to come back. 

The show ends with Tori in tears wondering if she can make it work with her loser husband. It's sad and really shouldn't be something filmed for reality tv.

Teen Mom 2 Reunion Recap

Since I wrote about 16 and Pregnant I thought I might as well recap Teen Mom 2 MTV's other teen pregnancy cash cow. Of course I'm a little late the game on this but oh well, while there are rumors that this is the last season of this show I'm not sure. The show might be cancelled but I bet we'll at least get those "Being Jenelle/Chelsea/Leah/Kailyn" specials in a few months. This is too much of money maker for MTV to let it go.

Last week there was a catch up with the two boring/stable girls on the show, Leah and Kailyn. This week we get the shows trainwreck girls: Jenelle and Chelsea. 

Before we begin I should just get this off my chest. I hate this show. I mean I truly hate this stupid fucking show and not in the way I hate 16 and Pregnant. To me Teen Mom is just a trashy show about 20-something assholes making stupid decisions a-la Jersey Shore, except the sleazebag producers claim it's educational and helping to reduce teen pregnancy. I will call bullshit on this. Teen Mom is a show about girls fighting with their boyfriends, partying, and doing drugs, and occasionally parenting. Don't get me wrong I'm sure there is some MTV spin on this and the girls actually spend more time on their kids than is shown. However let's face it there isn't much a struggle, at least financially when you're getting a big fat MTV paycheck. Whatever though you don't care about my shitty opinion on the ethics of this show you want a recap and that's what I'll give you. Without further ado I present my snarcastic recap of part II of the Teen Mom II Finale Special.

We begin with Chelsea. She looks good and is sporting perhaps her best hairstyle since 16 and pregnant. And believe me I've seen Chelsea's changing hairstyles and they have almost always been terrible. This is only significant because she is going into cosmetology and you'd expect and beautician to have better hair and makeup. However this is petty bullshit and all snarkcastic remarks about Chelsea's appearance aside I actually kind of like this girl.  Poor Chelsea she's had a rough season, when I refer to her as one of the trainwreck girls that is inaccurate, Chelsea is fine, maybe not the sharpest knife but fine, it's her asshole baby daddy that's the trainwreck. Dr. Drew spouts out a bunch of boring facts about how teen mother's don't succeed and congratulates Chelsea on her success in the most obnoxious way possible. I hate Dr.Drew, he's as much of a doctor as Dr. Phil. And I certainly blame him for the untimely deaths of several of his 'patients' on celebrity rehab. Alas that is a rant for another time and I will spare you it for now and focus on Chelsea.

Without further ado Dr. Drew begins to discuss the drama with Chelsea's loser baby daddy Adam. He's a real winner that Adam. For those of you that don't remember his history of assholish behavior I'll give you a quick rundown. On 16 and Pregnant he was your typical deadbeat loser but of course he had to go above and beyond so he sent his baby mama and abusive text message calling her a fat stretch mark bitch and offering to sign away his right to 'that mistake'. And things didn't get much better from there this season he decided he wanted to spend more time with 'the mistake' and served Chelsea with court papers demanding visitation, probably at the behest of his second baby mama, Taylor. Dr. Drew asks Chelsea if she has any sort of relationship with Taylor to which she replies no and explains that she was hooking up with Adumb behind Taylor's back while she was pregnant. Basically giving Taylor the same treatment that was meted out to Chelsea when she was pregnant with Aubree. Way to be classy Chelsea, I expect better from you. Dr. Drew then asks if Chelsea dates, she says that she doesn't because she wants to focus on herself. Good for you Chelsea I understand that perfectly.

Next Dr. Drew wheels out Adam to discuss his pathetic behavior over the past season. Adam looks ridiculous he's rocking the skinhead gangsta thug look now.  Dr. Drew immediately questions Adumb about his three DUIs. Jesus crimeny three DUI's that's ridiculous and my heart aches for anyone whose lost someone to a DUI caused by dumbasses like Adumb. I just want to reach through the television screen and slap his stupid face and scream: "You are a piece of shit and you don't deserve Aubree or Paislee you should be locked up in jail right now." However Adam just brushes off these DUIs as petty nonsense which is bullshit. Adumb's last DUI actually had victims and you can read all about that on this TMZ article.

 http://www.tmz.com/2014/02/22/teen-mom-adam-lind-corvette-car-crash-flames/ 

Next Dr. Drew decides to discuss Adam's bid for custody of Aubree. We find out that as you would expect Adumb has been making things difficult for Chelsea. He doesn't even let her have his phone number and he's making her contact him through facebook to arrange visitation like any mature responsible father would. This is code for he wants to screw Chelsea behind his second baby mama's back and wants to do it covertly. Dr. Drew doesn't beat around the bush with this nonsense and makes Adumb spit it out that he cheated on his pregnant girlfriend with his ex. Adumb lies that he feels horrible for putting his second baby mama through this but you and I both know that is bullshit. Adam let's us know that as of now he's still living with his second baby mama and their daughter and that he loves it when Aubree comes to visit. He blames Chelsea for Aubree's lack of visits. Chelsea points out that Adam is rarely around when he has visitation with Aubree. Adam however insists that 60-80% of the time he's there when Aubree visits. To which I roll my eyes. Adumb just wants Aubree to hurt his ex and when he gets her he just dumps her with his parents or his second baby mama.

Next Dr. Drew wheels out Chelsea's dad, Randy. I like Randy he sort of reminds me of my own dad. He doesn't tolerate Adumb's bullshit and that makes me like him. Randy talks about how he's proud that his daughter has finished school and got job in cosmetology. Dr. Drew ask's Randy how he feels about Adam having visitation. His response is mature and responsible he recognizes that Aubree need's to have her dad in her life regardless if he's sack of shit like Adumb. However he worries that Adam disappointing his granddaughter. He also worries that Aubree will be affected if she doesn't get to see her baby half sister Paislee, once Adumb and Taylor inevitably breakup. I feel for Aubree on this I'm very close to my sister and I'd be crushed if I couldn't see her anymore. 

Adumb however wants to let us know that it's not fair. He whines about how Randy made fun of him on twitter. Then he blames Chelsea for their failed relationship and accuses her of sleeping with one of his best friends from high school while she was pregnant with Aubree. Adumb wants you to know that this scarred him for life. I don't know whether or not this is bullshit but all I see is a whiny Adumb trying to explain his dickish behavior. The segment ends off with the three hoping that they can co-parent for the sake of Aubree and Paislee. I just sigh and shake my head. For those of you who are interested, Taylor and Adumb did in fact break up and you can read about it Here. Unfortunately it looks like Aubree and Paislee will probably not grow up and have a close sisterly relationship. Which makes me sad, like I said I'm super close to my sister.

And now finally we check up with Jenelle. Jenelle is the most hated girl on this show she has both mental illness and drug addiction problems. Having struggled with mental illness myself I sort of feel for her on that front but that doesn't excuse some of her crappy behavior. So Jenelle comes out and she looks good by good I mean healthy she doesn't look like she's been doing heroin lately which makes me happy. Maybe there is hope for this girl after all. Dr. Drew plays a recap of her escapades this season and asks Jenelle what she thinks.

Jenelle bemoans that she and Nathan had been presented as this perfect couple when their not. However she let's us know that she wants to keep this baby and that she's not doing drugs or anything to endanger it's life. I don't know if I believe Jenelle or not. I want to but her past history makes my doubtful however at the moment she does look healthy like someone who isn't on drugs. They briefly discuss Jenelle's legal woes which has been handled by Jenelle's super lawyer. I don't know who this guy is but if I ever commit a crime I want him to represent me, he is clearly fantastic at his job. 

Then the discussion turns to Jenelle's unborn child. Dr. Drew points out that neither Nathan nor Jenelle have custody of their firstborns. Jenelle responds by rolling her eyes and blaming it on Nathan's PTSD. Apparently Nathan got a brain injury while serving in the military and now he suffers flashbacks. Which is unfortunate if it's true, it sucks that we have all these soldiers coming home with mental health problems and the government just shrugs and says "I don't give a shit." However we have to look at Jenelle's taste in men and it seems Nathan has had some problems that might be unrelated to PTSD. Like our other father of the year Adumb, Nathan also has three DUIs. 

So Dr. Drew brings out Nathan to discuss his problems. Nathan looks good to, as in he's not on drugs, but his hair is ridiculous. Dr. Drew asks Nathan if he's excited for the baby and he says yes that he is excited. To me this rings bullshit. If you watched the last episode you'll remember that on the way home from getting a sonogram this bleach blond asshole was sitting there emotionally abusing his ex. He told her that the baby might as well be dead since it's parents didn't love it and he demanded she get and abortion. Now he's done a 360 and claims he's happy as can be that Jenelle is about to birth his spawn. Trying to put on a happy couple scene Jenelle and Nathan tell the sickly sweet story of their first date. I don't buy it. They mention a fight they had over Nathan's ex-girlfriend in New York a fight that ended with blondie locked out of their hotel room. Dr. Drew seems to think this is a problem but Jenelle and Nathan just brush it off. If you've been reading the tabloids like I have you'll know that this is just one in a long string of fights these two have had.

\

Finally they bring out Jenelle's mother Barbara everyone's favorite character on this show.  As you probably know Nathan was not very nice to Barbara this season and he accused her of getting Jenelle on heroin. Nathan and Jenelle claim that now they have a better relationship with Barbara. Nathan even thinks that Barbara is funny. Dr. Drew asks Barbara if she's concerned about these two knuckleheads having a child together she responds that yes she is concerned. She thinks that Jenelle probably should've waited a little longer to get knocked up since she's just emerged from a life of drugs and loser boyfriends. However Barbara does say she is proud of Jenelle and how far she's come over the past year. Dr. Drew then asks what Barbara thinks of Nathan. She replies that she's concerned about them having a baby, because Nathan is a free loader, with three DUIs and no job. She is also concerned because when Jenelle's son, Jace, comes home he tells her all about the fights Jenelle and Nathan have. Jenelle interrupts to make sure we all know that Barbara isn't perfect either  and that she's at terrible grandparent because she doesn't let her grandson eat junk food. God Damn you Barbara for caring about your grandson's nutrition. My mother strictly banned junk food when I was growing up too and now here I sit at a healthy 124 lbs. while some of my generation are massively obese because their mother's just couldn't say no.

The topic then changes to custody. Nathan says that he hopes to get custody of his daughter but doesn't go into details about how he might accomplish this. It is revealed that Jace is actually spending weekends with his mother and her new baby daddy. Barbara hopes that Jace will be able to spend time with Jenelle. Barbara then tells us that sometimes Jace calls her mama and that she's the only mother figure he's really known, which I think we can all agree is true. Nathan and Jenelle agree that there a special bond between Jace and Barbara. 

Dr. Drew then asks if Barbara thinks Jenelle is ready for another baby. Barbara shakes her head and says she wishes that Jenelle had waited. And she is definitely right you can read about Nathan latest legal woes here.

And for the grand finale Dr. Drew assembles they whole gang. A lot can be said of this photo. 

Note the giant gulf between Jo and Kailyn and the Isaac is sitting at his mothers feet. To the right of them are Leah and Corey with their twin daughters. They sit apart but it doesn't seem like an I-hate-you-and-want-chop-off-your-testicles sort separation. In Front of them are Adumb, Aubree, and Chelsea. A terrified Aubree clings to her mother while her thuggish father sits awkwardly beside her. Then to the left we have Jenelle and Jace all by their lonesome, he's snuggled up to her which seems to show that despite all of Jenelle's fuck ups Jace still loves her and sees her as his mom. Dr. Drew takes a moment to preach how the show has cured teen pregnancy. He then interviews the toddlers which is cute. Then there are fan questions none of which are interesting and then they show ends with all the cast appearing on the stage. And it is over until season 6? if there is a season 6.

Game of Thrones: Breaker of Chains R

Yay. Now that I wrote that bit on 16 & Pregnant I can write about a show I actually like! Instead of something I just watch to laugh at other people's misfortunes. We're three episodes in and it's looking to be a magnificent season. Last episode they finally killed off that little shit Joffrey, a character we all loved to hate, and they did it with pizazz. I felt sorry Cersei, another character I love to hate, until she screamed murderer and got Tyrion arrested. Dammit Cersei! Tyrion is my favorite character in this thing and if you get him killed I will go into such a rage that they'll have to call the men in white suits to take me to the padded room for a cool down. 

We start exactly where we were left off at Joffrey's wedding. Fear not though the little shit is still dead, which makes me both happy and sad. I hated Joffrey, but he was a wonderful villain and the show just won't be quite the same without him. Lucky though we still have a wonderful love-to-hate-them villain in Cersei and she is out for blood. Clutching Joffrey's body she screams for the guards to take Tyrion away. Even though you and I both agree that Tyrion had nothing to do with it, not that any of us would like him any less if he had murdered Joffrey. Once Tyrion is safely lead away in chains Cersei's attention turns to her other favorite torture subject, Sansa. But Alas she's missing enraged at this Cersei screeches for the guards to find her, while Tywin places Kings Landing on virtual lock down. 

Meanwhile in the chaos Sansa has managed to escape with help of Ser Dontos, the drunken knight she rescued back in season two. While Cersei is screaming for the guards to bring her Sansa's pretty head on a plate the two of them rush away from the scene of the crime down to the harbor. There they bump up against a ship and out pops the head of Petyr Baelish. Sansa is surprised but delighted to see him and be on her way out of the hell that is life with Cersei.

That is until Ser Dontos asks for his payment, to which Littlefinger responds by signaling for his archers to kill him. Poor Sansa she's still pathetically new to all this intrigue stuff. Littlefinger explains that Ser Dontos had done his job and that since he was a drunk he couldn't trust him to keep the secret. Naively Sansa sobs that he was her friend and that he rescued her to repay her for saving his life. Littlefinger scoffs and takes off the necklace Ser Dontas gave her, smashes it and throws it overboard. Then he tells Sansa that the whole things was his plan all along and that he'd had the necklace made for her as part of the plot and that Ser Dontos only helped Sansa for gold. "We're all liars here" he quips putting and arm around a demoralized Sansa, and reasurring her that she's safe they are going home. Something tells me that Sansa is far from safe and that wherever she is going is not home.

Next we cut to the twice widowed Margaery Tyrell being comforted by her grandmother. It is noteworthy that while both of them are dressed in somber black neither is particularly sad at Joffrey's passing. As with her first husband Margaery is more upset about her loss of status rather than losing the chance to grow old with Joffrey and birth his hell spawn. It's ironic that Margaery is played by Natalie Dormer who also played Anne Boleyn in the Tudors, because that's exactly who Margaery reminds me of, Anne Boleyn. Margaery laments that she will never by the queen. Her grandmother, similarly unaffected by murder of her grandson-in-law at his wedding, reassures Margaery that her position is better than it was and that she will be the queen again. We can only take this to mean that Margaery Tyrell's third husband will most likely by Joffrey's younger brother Tommen. Yikes. Don't you just love medieval child marriages? I don't take this as a good sign for Tommen's future on this show. Margaery's husbands thus far have been extremely short lived. 

And what do you know we cut away to find Dead King Joffrey, Tommen, Cersei, and Tywin all gathered in the crypt. We get a lovely shot of Joffrey's corpse and it's freaky eyes. I don't get why they do this to the eyes. It was the same thing with Jon Arryn, too me it just looks cartoonish and ridiculous. Cersei looks miserable but Tommen is notable dry-eyed. Can't blame him can you imagine having Joffrey for an older brother? I wouldn't have cried either. Tywin likewise isn't too terrible crushed by his grandson's death and immediately begins lecturing the new King on what qualities he should have. Tommen impresses his grandfather with his responses. Insensitive as always he says that Joffrey wasn't a wise king and that if he had listened to his advisers he might still be alive.' Mind you a miserable grieving Cersei is still well within earshot. It's moments like that make you feel the slightest bit sorry for her. Tywin is pleased that his second grandson seems to by more easy to control and leads Tommen away from the crypt to continue their discussion on being Kingly. They pass by Tommen's uncle-father on the way out who asks how his nephew-son, is holding up. As Tywin and Tommen leave Jaime orders the guards away to spend some alone time with his sister-lover and their dead son.

Finally alone the parents are free to mourn their hell spawn. Er... well Cersei does most of the mourning, like most everyone Jaime isn't particularly affected by Joffrey's death. This lack of paternal grief doesn't seem to bother Cersei as she dissolves into tears in his arms. She repeats her accusations against Tyrion telling Jaime that she saw Joffrey pointing at him as he died. Jaime doesn't seem convinced and tells her he didn't see anything then reassures her that there will be a trial. This does not satisfy Cersei though and she angrily demands the Jaime murder Tyrion and avenge there son. 

Jaime protests that Tyrion is his brother this enrages Cersei. She wants Tyrion dead and she wants him dead now god dammit. She demands the Jaime avenge Joffrey and kill Tyrion. Jaime responds that she is a hateful woman. See even Jaime knows Cersei is evil and he's her lover. They then hilariously proceed to passionately kiss in front of Joffrey's corpse. Cersei at first protests but then gives and they make disgusting incestuous love at the foot of their inbred hell spawn's coffin. While I snicker in my popcorn and hope my parents don't walk in at this moment. This show has lots of moments like this, there are tits, cocks, and incestuous love scenes abound. That's why I only watch it in an isolated room with nobody around. Because if my parents walked in they'd think I was watching some odd medieval porn. I mean Jesus crimeny this a show where two different men have had their penis' chopped off against their will. Such a weird weird show. 

Next we cut to Arya and the Hound. Finally! Right now Arya's storyline is one of my favorites the show has going. Their sort of buddy cop thing is awesome and I'm enjoying it. Last episode we finally got see bad ass Arya she avenged a friends death and killed a bunch of other people for good measure. Arya is a badass. For the moment she is still supposedly the Hound's hostage and he intends to ransom her off to her crazy Aunt Lysa for a bunch of gold. I like these two and I sure as hell hope that doesn't happen. 

The pair meet up with a father and daughter who want to know what they're up too. Cleverly Arya cooks up a lie claiming that the Hound is her father and that the Hound got his wounds fighting for House Tully. Lucky for them the farmer is a fan of House Tully and invites them to dinner where the hound is charming as ever. They discuss the Red Wedding over dinner and the farmer complains about how things are going now that the Frey's are in charge. He then offers the Hound a job defending the farm from raiders,  being assured that he'll be paid he agrees to help the man. However instead he beats up the farmer and steals his silver and the two are on their way. This angers Arya and she calls him: "The Worst Shit in the Seven Kingdoms." Oh Arya, I love you.

Next we head up north to check up on Sam and Gilly. They are an adorable little couple and I'll be sad if anything happens to them. It's nice to see them together as a little family raising her inbred child... ugh so much incest in this series: Craster and his daughters, the Targaryens who married their siblings,  and of course Jaime and Cersei. Sam tells Gilly he's worried about her and the baby and wants to send them somewhere safe. Gilly is reluctant to do so and takes it to mean that he's gotten bored off her, which he denies. She avoids discussing the subject further by going off to do an errand and leaving Sam to watch the baby.

Next stop is a visit to Stannis and he is pissed. He's just gotten word of Joffrey's murder, and like everyone else he's not particularly sad. Stannis however is pissed because he believes he's responsible for Joffrey's death because he offered a leech filled with 'bastard blood' to the Lord of Light, thus setting the wheels in motion for Joffrey's assassination. As we remember Ser Davos helped Gendry escape Stannis and Melisandre last season. Furious, Stannis demands to know what Davos has done for him, he replies that he recruited a few other houses and various to his cause, this of course doesn't really impress Stannis. He angrily reminds Davos that they are running out of time and money. Afterwards Davos goes to Shireen for his nightly reading lesson. As he struggles with his reading lesson something suddenly dawns on him and he has brilliant idea to help Stannis out. He sits down little Shireen and dictates a letter to Iron Bank.

Then we flash back to Sam and Gilly in a brothel. But not for the reasons one usually frequents a brothel, Sam hopes to find work Gilly there cooking, cleaning, taking care of the other girl's babies. He's adamant however that there will be no whoring. He shows Gilly to the pitiful little hovel she will now call home and promises to visit her as much as possible. Gilly is understandably not pleased with this situation and begs to go with Sam. Judging by the frosty reception she gets from some of her new roommates I can't blame her, I wouldn't want to live in that place either. Sam refuses though and says that he can't abandon his duties to the Nights Watch, this doesn't make Gilly anymore happy and they have a rather frosty goodbye. And my heart sinks for these two, like I said, they're really my favorite couple on this show right now. 

And next we check in with Prince Oberyn Martell and his mistress Ellaria Sand who are in the midst of an orgy, with a bunch of Peter Baelish's whores, both male and female. Oberyn confirms for those of us who were still in doubt that he is indeed bisexual as is his mistress. I love this show and damn does Oberyn have a wonderful body. No complaints about the eye candy in this scene.  This glorious scene however is interupted when Tywin Lannister rudely barges in. Good god does nobody in Westeros knock? Tywin does not seem overly surprised by what he's found and politely asks for a word in private. As if he'd just walked in on Oberyn reading a book or drinking tea. Oberyn agrees to talk to him and the whores and Ellaria calmly parade out as if nothing strange has happened at all. 

They proceed to have an awkward conversation where Tywin all but accuses Oberyn of conspiring with Tyrion to kill Joffrey. Oberyn shoots back that Tywin arranged the murders of his sister, niece, and nephew. Oberyn makes it clear that he wants to avenge his sister's murder and rape, by killing Gregor Clegane. Tywin is uninterested in his revenge and only wants to patch things up with Dorne. He offers Oberyn positions on the council and says he will help him avenge Elia's killers in time. The scene cuts before I can judge whether Oberyn believes him or, like me, thinks he's full of shit. As this scene ends I can't help but wonder if Tywin heard anything about the stabbing Prince Oberyn committed against one of his nephews last episode? Seems not or if he did he didn't care. Oh plot holes how I love thee.

Finally we check up on Tyrion! Three cheers for Tyrion, the best character in this awesome show. He's being visited in the dungeon by good old Podrick Payne whose managed to smuggle in some things for him.  They discuss Joffrey's murder, which Tyrion denies being involved in. Tyrion speculates that whoever killed Joffrey wanted Tyrion to be blamed for it. They try to come up with potential witnesses to testify on Tyrion's behalf. Tyrion suggest Sansa, unfortunately for him she's disappeared, however he doesn't think she killed Joffrey and set him up either. He suggests Bronn but that is shot down because Bronn is being investigated himself. Varys is named but we find out that the cockless bastard has agreed to testify for the Queen. Tyrion is about to suggest Pod testify for him when Pod tells him that a strange man threatened him if he didn't testify on the behalf of the King. Pod, bless him is loyal the end, and says he will not testify against Tyrion. He appreciates it but won't let him risk his own life. Realizing he has his hands tied Tyrion asked Pod to find his brother Jaime and then to flee King's Landing. Pod protests but then gives in. Sad music plays as a teary eyed Pod exits the dungeon.

And then we cut to massacre scene. Ygritte and her creepy cannibal buddies are massacring a village. We focus in on one poor little boy who tries to run away but is quickly scooped up by a giant. The creepy fucker takes him over to where his parents are being murdered and makes him watch. For good measure he tells the kid that he's: "Gonna Eat you Mama and Your Papa too." Just as I expect him to decapitate the child and make a meal out of the whole family, he drops the kid and tells him to run and tell everyone at Castle Black what has happened. We cut immediately to said Castle Black where we find the boy telling Jon Snow what happened. The Night's Watch is rightfully pissed and they want to go after them. However they don't have enough men. Jon Snow is asked for his opinion. He says that Mance Rayder is coming and that they have secure Castle Black otherwise they too will end up as the entree of some cannibal giant's dinner.

Now Finally we check in with Daenerys. Who looks totally badass leading her army of liberated slaves. They ride up to this badass looking desert city, Mereen. The city sends out a single man who promptly insults them by insinuating that Daenerys and her army are just a bunch of pussies. Daenerys asks for a volunteer to fight the champion. Jorah of course is first to volunteer but Dany turns him down because he's too valuable. Then Daario Naharis volunteers instead since he is not a valuable adviser or a member of Dany's queen's guard. She reluctantly accepts his offer.  The Group nervously watches as the Mereen champion charges Daario but they shouldn't be worried because Daario makes quick work of the champion and then returns the insult as the city fruitlessly fires arrows at the besiegers. Now that all the fun and games are over Daenerys takes the stage and gives a brief speech to the slaves before catapulting the broken chains of the slaves she's freed over the walls. One slave picks it up and looks at it as it is some marvelous thing, which it is... from a symbolism standpoint.  Then just before you expect things to really get interesting and maybe for all hell to break loose in Mereen the screen cuts to black. God dammit. I hate this show. I hate this show and it's stupid cliff hangers.  Why does one of the only good shows on TV have to air only once a week! Dammit. 

So there you have my take on it. What were your thoughts? Let me know in the comments ;) I look forward to hearing them. Coming up tomorrow another review of a crappy MTV reality show. and I bet you know just which one. What can I say my television tastes switch between reality shit and television brilliance. If you don't like it find another blog :) If you do like it I'm glad to have you as a reader. Until next time cheers. :D