Yay. Now that I wrote that bit on 16 & Pregnant I can write about a show I actually like! Instead of something I just watch to laugh at other people's misfortunes. We're three episodes in and it's looking to be a magnificent season. Last episode they finally killed off that little shit Joffrey, a character we all loved to hate, and they did it with pizazz. I felt sorry Cersei, another character I love to hate, until she screamed murderer and got Tyrion arrested. Dammit Cersei! Tyrion is my favorite character in this thing and if you get him killed I will go into such a rage that they'll have to call the men in white suits to take me to the padded room for a cool down.
We start exactly where we were left off at Joffrey's wedding. Fear not though the little shit is still dead, which makes me both happy and sad. I hated Joffrey, but he was a wonderful villain and the show just won't be quite the same without him. Lucky though we still have a wonderful love-to-hate-them villain in Cersei and she is out for blood. Clutching Joffrey's body she screams for the guards to take Tyrion away. Even though you and I both agree that Tyrion had nothing to do with it, not that any of us would like him any less if he had murdered Joffrey. Once Tyrion is safely lead away in chains Cersei's attention turns to her other favorite torture subject, Sansa. But Alas she's missing enraged at this Cersei screeches for the guards to find her, while Tywin places Kings Landing on virtual lock down.
Meanwhile in the chaos Sansa has managed to escape with help of Ser Dontos, the drunken knight she rescued back in season two. While Cersei is screaming for the guards to bring her Sansa's pretty head on a plate the two of them rush away from the scene of the crime down to the harbor. There they bump up against a ship and out pops the head of Petyr Baelish. Sansa is surprised but delighted to see him and be on her way out of the hell that is life with Cersei.
That is until Ser Dontos asks for his payment, to which Littlefinger responds by signaling for his archers to kill him. Poor Sansa she's still pathetically new to all this intrigue stuff. Littlefinger explains that Ser Dontos had done his job and that since he was a drunk he couldn't trust him to keep the secret. Naively Sansa sobs that he was her friend and that he rescued her to repay her for saving his life. Littlefinger scoffs and takes off the necklace Ser Dontas gave her, smashes it and throws it overboard. Then he tells Sansa that the whole things was his plan all along and that he'd had the necklace made for her as part of the plot and that Ser Dontos only helped Sansa for gold. "We're all liars here" he quips putting and arm around a demoralized Sansa, and reasurring her that she's safe they are going home. Something tells me that Sansa is far from safe and that wherever she is going is not home.
Next we cut to the twice widowed Margaery Tyrell being comforted by her grandmother. It is noteworthy that while both of them are dressed in somber black neither is particularly sad at Joffrey's passing. As with her first husband Margaery is more upset about her loss of status rather than losing the chance to grow old with Joffrey and birth his hell spawn. It's ironic that Margaery is played by Natalie Dormer who also played Anne Boleyn in the Tudors, because that's exactly who Margaery reminds me of, Anne Boleyn. Margaery laments that she will never by the queen. Her grandmother, similarly unaffected by murder of her grandson-in-law at his wedding, reassures Margaery that her position is better than it was and that she will be the queen again. We can only take this to mean that Margaery Tyrell's third husband will most likely by Joffrey's younger brother Tommen. Yikes. Don't you just love medieval child marriages? I don't take this as a good sign for Tommen's future on this show. Margaery's husbands thus far have been extremely short lived.
And what do you know we cut away to find Dead King Joffrey, Tommen, Cersei, and Tywin all gathered in the crypt. We get a lovely shot of Joffrey's corpse and it's freaky eyes. I don't get why they do this to the eyes. It was the same thing with Jon Arryn, too me it just looks cartoonish and ridiculous. Cersei looks miserable but Tommen is notable dry-eyed. Can't blame him can you imagine having Joffrey for an older brother? I wouldn't have cried either. Tywin likewise isn't too terrible crushed by his grandson's death and immediately begins lecturing the new King on what qualities he should have. Tommen impresses his grandfather with his responses. Insensitive as always he says that Joffrey wasn't a wise king and that if he had listened to his advisers he might still be alive.' Mind you a miserable grieving Cersei is still well within earshot. It's moments like that make you feel the slightest bit sorry for her. Tywin is pleased that his second grandson seems to by more easy to control and leads Tommen away from the crypt to continue their discussion on being Kingly. They pass by Tommen's uncle-father on the way out who asks how his nephew-son, is holding up. As Tywin and Tommen leave Jaime orders the guards away to spend some alone time with his sister-lover and their dead son.
Finally alone the parents are free to mourn their hell spawn. Er... well Cersei does most of the mourning, like most everyone Jaime isn't particularly affected by Joffrey's death. This lack of paternal grief doesn't seem to bother Cersei as she dissolves into tears in his arms. She repeats her accusations against Tyrion telling Jaime that she saw Joffrey pointing at him as he died. Jaime doesn't seem convinced and tells her he didn't see anything then reassures her that there will be a trial. This does not satisfy Cersei though and she angrily demands the Jaime murder Tyrion and avenge there son.
Jaime protests that Tyrion is his brother this enrages Cersei. She wants Tyrion dead and she wants him dead now god dammit. She demands the Jaime avenge Joffrey and kill Tyrion. Jaime responds that she is a hateful woman. See even Jaime knows Cersei is evil and he's her lover. They then hilariously proceed to passionately kiss in front of Joffrey's corpse. Cersei at first protests but then gives and they make disgusting incestuous love at the foot of their inbred hell spawn's coffin. While I snicker in my popcorn and hope my parents don't walk in at this moment. This show has lots of moments like this, there are tits, cocks, and incestuous love scenes abound. That's why I only watch it in an isolated room with nobody around. Because if my parents walked in they'd think I was watching some odd medieval porn. I mean Jesus crimeny this a show where two different men have had their penis' chopped off against their will. Such a weird weird show.
Next we cut to Arya and the Hound. Finally! Right now Arya's storyline is one of my favorites the show has going. Their sort of buddy cop thing is awesome and I'm enjoying it. Last episode we finally got see bad ass Arya she avenged a friends death and killed a bunch of other people for good measure. Arya is a badass. For the moment she is still supposedly the Hound's hostage and he intends to ransom her off to her crazy Aunt Lysa for a bunch of gold. I like these two and I sure as hell hope that doesn't happen.
The pair meet up with a father and daughter who want to know what they're up too. Cleverly Arya cooks up a lie claiming that the Hound is her father and that the Hound got his wounds fighting for House Tully. Lucky for them the farmer is a fan of House Tully and invites them to dinner where the hound is charming as ever. They discuss the Red Wedding over dinner and the farmer complains about how things are going now that the Frey's are in charge. He then offers the Hound a job defending the farm from raiders, being assured that he'll be paid he agrees to help the man. However instead he beats up the farmer and steals his silver and the two are on their way. This angers Arya and she calls him: "The Worst Shit in the Seven Kingdoms." Oh Arya, I love you.
Next we head up north to check up on Sam and Gilly. They are an adorable little couple and I'll be sad if anything happens to them. It's nice to see them together as a little family raising her inbred child... ugh so much incest in this series: Craster and his daughters, the Targaryens who married their siblings, and of course Jaime and Cersei. Sam tells Gilly he's worried about her and the baby and wants to send them somewhere safe. Gilly is reluctant to do so and takes it to mean that he's gotten bored off her, which he denies. She avoids discussing the subject further by going off to do an errand and leaving Sam to watch the baby.
Next stop is a visit to Stannis and he is pissed. He's just gotten word of Joffrey's murder, and like everyone else he's not particularly sad. Stannis however is pissed because he believes he's responsible for Joffrey's death because he offered a leech filled with 'bastard blood' to the Lord of Light, thus setting the wheels in motion for Joffrey's assassination. As we remember Ser Davos helped Gendry escape Stannis and Melisandre last season. Furious, Stannis demands to know what Davos has done for him, he replies that he recruited a few other houses and various to his cause, this of course doesn't really impress Stannis. He angrily reminds Davos that they are running out of time and money. Afterwards Davos goes to Shireen for his nightly reading lesson. As he struggles with his reading lesson something suddenly dawns on him and he has brilliant idea to help Stannis out. He sits down little Shireen and dictates a letter to Iron Bank.
Then we flash back to Sam and Gilly in a brothel. But not for the reasons one usually frequents a brothel, Sam hopes to find work Gilly there cooking, cleaning, taking care of the other girl's babies. He's adamant however that there will be no whoring. He shows Gilly to the pitiful little hovel she will now call home and promises to visit her as much as possible. Gilly is understandably not pleased with this situation and begs to go with Sam. Judging by the frosty reception she gets from some of her new roommates I can't blame her, I wouldn't want to live in that place either. Sam refuses though and says that he can't abandon his duties to the Nights Watch, this doesn't make Gilly anymore happy and they have a rather frosty goodbye. And my heart sinks for these two, like I said, they're really my favorite couple on this show right now.
And next we check in with Prince Oberyn Martell and his mistress Ellaria Sand who are in the midst of an orgy, with a bunch of Peter Baelish's whores, both male and female. Oberyn confirms for those of us who were still in doubt that he is indeed bisexual as is his mistress. I love this show and damn does Oberyn have a wonderful body. No complaints about the eye candy in this scene. This glorious scene however is interupted when Tywin Lannister rudely barges in. Good god does nobody in Westeros knock? Tywin does not seem overly surprised by what he's found and politely asks for a word in private. As if he'd just walked in on Oberyn reading a book or drinking tea. Oberyn agrees to talk to him and the whores and Ellaria calmly parade out as if nothing strange has happened at all.
They proceed to have an awkward conversation where Tywin all but accuses Oberyn of conspiring with Tyrion to kill Joffrey. Oberyn shoots back that Tywin arranged the murders of his sister, niece, and nephew. Oberyn makes it clear that he wants to avenge his sister's murder and rape, by killing Gregor Clegane. Tywin is uninterested in his revenge and only wants to patch things up with Dorne. He offers Oberyn positions on the council and says he will help him avenge Elia's killers in time. The scene cuts before I can judge whether Oberyn believes him or, like me, thinks he's full of shit. As this scene ends I can't help but wonder if Tywin heard anything about the stabbing Prince Oberyn committed against one of his nephews last episode? Seems not or if he did he didn't care. Oh plot holes how I love thee.
Finally we check up on Tyrion! Three cheers for Tyrion, the best character in this awesome show. He's being visited in the dungeon by good old Podrick Payne whose managed to smuggle in some things for him. They discuss Joffrey's murder, which Tyrion denies being involved in. Tyrion speculates that whoever killed Joffrey wanted Tyrion to be blamed for it. They try to come up with potential witnesses to testify on Tyrion's behalf. Tyrion suggest Sansa, unfortunately for him she's disappeared, however he doesn't think she killed Joffrey and set him up either. He suggests Bronn but that is shot down because Bronn is being investigated himself. Varys is named but we find out that the cockless bastard has agreed to testify for the Queen. Tyrion is about to suggest Pod testify for him when Pod tells him that a strange man threatened him if he didn't testify on the behalf of the King. Pod, bless him is loyal the end, and says he will not testify against Tyrion. He appreciates it but won't let him risk his own life. Realizing he has his hands tied Tyrion asked Pod to find his brother Jaime and then to flee King's Landing. Pod protests but then gives in. Sad music plays as a teary eyed Pod exits the dungeon.
And then we cut to massacre scene. Ygritte and her creepy cannibal buddies are massacring a village. We focus in on one poor little boy who tries to run away but is quickly scooped up by a giant. The creepy fucker takes him over to where his parents are being murdered and makes him watch. For good measure he tells the kid that he's: "Gonna Eat you Mama and Your Papa too." Just as I expect him to decapitate the child and make a meal out of the whole family, he drops the kid and tells him to run and tell everyone at Castle Black what has happened. We cut immediately to said Castle Black where we find the boy telling Jon Snow what happened. The Night's Watch is rightfully pissed and they want to go after them. However they don't have enough men. Jon Snow is asked for his opinion. He says that Mance Rayder is coming and that they have secure Castle Black otherwise they too will end up as the entree of some cannibal giant's dinner.
Now Finally we check in with Daenerys. Who looks totally badass leading her army of liberated slaves. They ride up to this badass looking desert city, Mereen. The city sends out a single man who promptly insults them by insinuating that Daenerys and her army are just a bunch of pussies. Daenerys asks for a volunteer to fight the champion. Jorah of course is first to volunteer but Dany turns him down because he's too valuable. Then Daario Naharis volunteers instead since he is not a valuable adviser or a member of Dany's queen's guard. She reluctantly accepts his offer. The Group nervously watches as the Mereen champion charges Daario but they shouldn't be worried because Daario makes quick work of the champion and then returns the insult as the city fruitlessly fires arrows at the besiegers. Now that all the fun and games are over Daenerys takes the stage and gives a brief speech to the slaves before catapulting the broken chains of the slaves she's freed over the walls. One slave picks it up and looks at it as it is some marvelous thing, which it is... from a symbolism standpoint. Then just before you expect things to really get interesting and maybe for all hell to break loose in Mereen the screen cuts to black. God dammit. I hate this show. I hate this show and it's stupid cliff hangers. Why does one of the only good shows on TV have to air only once a week! Dammit.
So there you have my take on it. What were your thoughts? Let me know in the comments ;) I look forward to hearing them. Coming up tomorrow another review of a crappy MTV reality show. and I bet you know just which one. What can I say my television tastes switch between reality shit and television brilliance. If you don't like it find another blog :) If you do like it I'm glad to have you as a reader. Until next time cheers. :D
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